It's Valemtime's Day again. I don't really enjoy this holiday because I hate romance. I think romance is dumb. Valemtime's day is a day when you're supposed to be romantic, and people like me who aren't romantic just end up feeling really bad on this holiday. So I don't like it, and you can't make me.
Valemtime's Day was originally a holiday that was developed by the ancient Druids, who liked to make people feel bad. They were sitting around Stonehenge, a famous monument in Scotland, one day, wondering how they could make as many people feel as bad as possible.
They thought and thought for a long time, until Noah floated by in his yacht full of unicorns and velociraptors. Seeing this, the Druids said to themselves: "Hey why don't we make a holiday that's all about romance? That's bound to make lots of people unhappy." So they did.
The Druids decided to create the holiday to honour their favourite forebear, George the Druid — and that's where the name Saint Valemtime came from. George the Druid got really famous when he chased a bunch of snakes and made them fight a dragon that was holding the beautiful Princess Collateral hostage somewhere in Wales or something.
Anyway, the snakes and the dragon had a big fight and ended up killing each other. Unfortunately, they also ended up killing the princess, which is where we get the modern term "collateral princess" from. George the Druid got so bummed out about all of this that he just gave up his will to live, but not before giving birth to twins — a boy and a girl — who were hidden away by a brave knight until they were 18. Those twins later became completely inconsequential at all to the Druids.
The Druids thought the story of Druid George was pretty romantic, and it really bummed them out. So they decided his was the perfect story to tell and bum everybody out for ages to come.
The Druids weren't really sure how to celebrate the holiday, because roses hadn't been invented, and George Washington hadn't discovered chocolates yet. They thought about this for a very long time. They really liked the whole Valemtime's Day idea, but they were idea-guys really and weren't really good with things like execution and follow-through.
Eventually they waited around so long that Napoleon was able to sneak in and invade Scotland or whatever when they weren't looking. They all died.
But Napoleon knew a good idea when he heard it. He really liked the whole thing and was man who knew how to get things done. Since Napoleon was Spanish, and Spaniards are world-famous for being the most romantic people. He got George Washington busy on the whole chocolate thing and then invented roses. There was only one thing left to do.
Napoleon called his best friend and countryman, the famous artist Pablo Escobar. Napoleon had Pablo paint him a design that he could have Steve Guttenberg print on millions of Valemtime cards. And even though the woman that Pablo painted for the card had both eyes on the same side of her face, Napoleon was in a hurry and printed them anyway.
Ever since then, Valemtime's Day has been a favourite holiday for people all around the world, and nothing that I wrote before this sentence is true.
Sean Vale
Editor
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